Ramblings, rants & revelations!

Some of you will know by now that I have decided, next month, I will move back to the city of my birth.  This was not an easy decision, and something which I had been pondering for some time, since my son left home to further his education.  Since then, life has been very lonely indeed, even for someone like me, who generally doesn’t mind my own company and space.  But being alone almost all of every day, is tedious, monotonous & extremely depressing.  The isolation was just too much for even me to handle, so, after a few things happened to make me reconsider my life here, I decided it was the best time to finally let go and move on.  I knew no miracles where going to happen to make me stay.  I only had myself to depend on and obviously had to do what was best for me.  What I needed most was support and company and I know I will have that when I move.  Down here, I felt like I was being a burden to friends who already had too much going on in their lives.  I knew I had to reclaim my life, albeit in a small, tentative way to start with.  I had been living with my head in the clouds for too long, hoping for miracles which would never happen and existing in unrealistic dreams.  

In a way, I will be sad to leave this beautiful countryside, with it’s fresh air, gorgeous scenery and peace.  Giving it up for pollution, concrete views and incessant noise. I hate the thought of going backwards in my life, but at this moment in time, it’s a necessary evil.  It may be far from perfect in the city, but at least I will have a better chance of employment, the transport is excellent and the cost of living is so much cheaper.  I will have company and be near family.  And that countryside is only a train ride away!  

Here’s some things I’m looking forward to -

• Not having my next door neighbour doing DIY at all hours or slamming doors! although saying that, I could well end up with worse!  But I have ear-plugs, which I will put to good use.
• Company!  The best bit!  I think I may find myself craving time alone as I will have so much company.  And they will share my crazy sense of humour! I have so missed that!
• I will be within easy reach of medical centres and hospitals, all mostly within walking distance.  
• Loads of shops within a very short walk and the city centre just minutes away.
• Entertainment and live music venues within easy reach.
• Transport is excellent, reasonably priced and extremely regular, so getting around will be no problem at all.  
• Sharing bills.  I’ll be living with family, so it should be much cheaper to survive in the long run.  

And some things I will miss about here -

• The gorgeous scenery as I have already said and being able to just walk not far from my front door and be among fields, trees, streams and a clean river while watching the salmon leap.  And of course the fresh air!  I will never forget the wonderful walks with my dogs over the years.
• Space and not living in a tiny place cramped in with others.  Doing my own thing when I want to and not having anyone to answer to.  Feeling free.
• The weather - it was more mild here and a lot drier and warmer than in the west.  I noticed that from the first moment I moved here.  We seemed to be in a little pocket of reasonable weather, hidden from the rest of the UK.  Well, more reasonable than the deluges I was used to in the west!  
• Most people here smile and greet you as they pass.  I found that a lovely thing to do. In the city, I will once again become anonymous, a face in the crowd.  Everyone avoids eye contact unless in direct interaction with someone.  Life is more busy and faster, people have less time.  

I’m hoping to at least get a part-time job in order to help with the family finances. Once on my feet again, I will be trying to continue my writing and creative pursuits, such as art & photography again.  Music will remain the biggest influence and I may even enquire into the chance of joining another community radio station nearby.  

Last but not least, I will not forget the people involved in opening my eyes to new opportunities in life and better ways of thinking.  From the young to the older, I thank you all and hope that a few of you will keep in touch, while I continue on my life’s journey.  You were all valuable in your own right and very much appreciated. Thank you so much! 

I have been an adult for many years now, and in that time, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons -rightly or wrongly, they are still lessons learned.  I’d like to share some of them with you.

I have learned from other people to -

• Always smile at people you hate. It really annoys them. Try your best to be pleasant to them, just in case the wrong person overhears you.
• Keep your real opinions to yourself.  All the ‘goody-two-shoes’ in your life don’t want to hear all those naughty nasty spoutings!  We must do all we can to keep their lives happy and sweet and help fluff up the little clouds in which they keep their heads.
• Never let anyone know you are upset.  Oh my goodness, NO!  That is so not allowed.  Even if your nearest and dearest die, you must be seen to be brave and smile through your tears and of course be the perfect hostess at funerals, as well as look demure and wonderful.  No running mascara here!

That was what is expected.  But I have never (and never will) follow convention and here’s my version of events.

• Don’t allow anyone to make you feel like you are wrong in showing how you feel.  If it makes them uncomfortable, they can look away. So be true to yourself and cry if you feel bad and for as long as you feel you need to.  Don’t allow anyone to tell you to ‘snap out of it’.  
• If you are annoyed with someone, take them aside and ask quietly what the problem is.  Sort it out quickly before it festers into something which can never be fixed.  Nip it in the bud.  Most things are just caused by misunderstandings and people making rash judgements and wrong assumptions.  
• If someone is trying to ‘bulldoze’ you into something you don’t want to do.  Say NO.  It’s your right.  Never feel bad about it.  
• Most of all, don’t allow anyone to force you to behave in a way you feel is unnatural to you.  You don’t have to ‘fit in’ to their idea of what’s right.  Be yourself always.  I believe it’s the only way you can truly be happy.  If others condemn you for it, it’s their problem!
• Do what makes YOU happy.  Go where you want to go and do what you have to.  If you have to make certain sacrifices in order to live, do it, as long as you feel it’s the right decision for you.  You don’t need anyone’s permission. 

Your true friends will accept this and try to understand your reasons.  They will also accept you just as you are - warts and all!  If they don’t, well they never were true friends.  

From this day forward, I am going to try to be exactly as I want to. I have nothing left to lose.  

Recently I have been thinking about the problem of ‘distance dating’.  Yes, I called it a ‘problem’ deliberately, from my point of view, it is.  I have been in this situation and to say the least, it’s a difficult one.  

The ‘problem’ is not just the distance in geographical terms, but in this case, emotional too.  I’m deliberately not going to go into too much personal detail about my situation, so as not to cause any bias towards the other party concerned.  But let’s just say, the situation is far from perfect.  This isn’t the easiest post I’ve ever had to write, as ideally, I would love to just stick my head in the sand and pretend that it’s all fine, but that’s a fool’s game and I don’t consider myself such.  

Let me put it this way - imagine you have been seeing someone, still quite casually and it’s very early days. It’s nothing intimate, more like a friendship which is hotting up, for want of a better description.  Then the person has to move and work hundreds of miles away, so you only get to see them at the most, every 6 weeks or so, for just a few hours.  In between times, you’re lucky if you get a text or two, maybe one email.  What would you think?  Would you feel this relationship was going somewhere?  Do you think that it has the potential to work?

If I really wanted something to work, whether it was local or at a distance, I would try my best to keep the momentum going.  But, there is a line you have to draw (metaphorically speaking), especially in the early days, where there is the difference of keeping them keen, or pestering someone.  Now that’s where I get a bit confused.  I get really frightened that I may possibly be seen as ‘pestering’, so I try to keep it as casual as I can, without appearing too distant.  If I was to see a positive response, I would make a little more effort and so on, and so forth.  I’d take it easy, never pushy as that can be taken as ‘desperate’ or ‘possessive’ and that’s the last thing anyone wants.  I’d do that because I would be too scared to shower someone with affection too early, when they may not be ready for it.  

If you ever feel it’s all one sided, well, I would say that the alarm bells are ringing and either something is done very quickly to remedy the situation, or it’s time to get out and move on.  That goes for any relationship and not just distance ones.  

Distance can put a great pressure on relationships of any kind, but they can work. Only if there is mutual closeness, via other forms of communication while apart.  This is essential in my opinion.  It has to be regular and of a good quality to keep the relationship maintained enough to make the distance seem less of a problem and more of an exciting time, where both of you are doing your own thing, but looking forward to having the special times together again.  Communicate your feelings always, not just IF or when you remember, or can fit them into your busy schedule.  

Be good to each other!  

This year, I am hoping to fill my garden planters with colourful blooms.  It’s been such a long time since I have done so and I do miss the enjoyment I got from my garden years ago.  I would often have neighbours stop to admire my small garden with it’s many colourful plants and flowers.  I think they thought it was nice to see someone make an effort. 

Since I have moved to the house I’m in now, I haven’t done much to the garden except general maintenance and tidying when needed.  I would so love to see all the beauty and colour again.  Nature at it’s finest.

I still have a bookcase with many gardening books, which I used to study.  I got to know most of the plants by their Latin names (as well as the common names of course).  I knew how to care for certain species and took into consideration simple but necessary things such as placement & feeding.  I was completely self taught, oh, with a little bit of help from Alan Titchmarsh.  I loved gardening and it showed.  I feel I really need to get back to it again and do a bit of ‘gardening on a budget’. 

Have a look around neighbours and friends gardens and ask them if they would mind if you took cuttings from their plants.  Please remember to seek their permission first though.  I often found, when neighbours were splitting overgrown plants, they would be more than delighted to find a new home for them instead of throwing them away. 

As for containers, no need to buy expensive shop bought ones.  Mostly anything will do - from old paint tins to plastic bottles.  Just give them a face-lift with some colourful (non-toxic) paint, pierce some drainage holes in the bottom, then plant some of your chosen flora!  Perfect recycling and budget gardening!  It’s also a fun thing to have the children help with and it teaches them respect for nature and care for plants.  Fun & exercise for all the family no matter what their age.

Got this idea from a top trend on Twitter today.  I thought I might be able to learn something from it.  I’m also going to make it 12 ‘not-so-good’ things and 15 ‘good’ things about me…in MY opinion of course.  My reason for doing this?  I find it interesting to see what I think about myself compared to others perceptions of me.  So here goes.  In no particular order, lets start with the ‘not-so-good’ and that way we end up on a high. 

1.  I often find myself pushing people away in an effort to protect myself, even though there may be no real need to.

2.  I speak my mind too readily and sometimes hurt unintentionally. 

3.  I can be too intolerant of others and forget, I too have faults.

4.  I often find myself continuing to fight past battles with myself and going over things which are no longer valid. 

5.  I sometimes struggle to move on - move past something I cannot change - let go. 

6.  I feel I am a ‘bad friend’ and not worthy of anyone’s friendship, even when I know this is not really true. 

7.  I’m very cautious of people and take a very long time before I trust fully. 

8.  I get very frustrated & impatient when someone doesn’t do things to the best of their ability. 

9.  I sometimes get panic attacks over simple things or for no real reason.

10. I get frustrated with myself for not being ambitious, when I feel I should be.

11. I can be very sarcastic at times and say very cutting things when angry.

12. I can be a bit untidy and apathetic at times.

Now the good stuff…

1.  I am an intelligent, articulate writer and conversationalist.  I know how to put my point across and be persuasive if need be. 

2.  I have many creative ideas and my problem solving is very good.

3.  I am a survivor and I am usually cool in a crisis.

4.  I have good organisational skills.

5.  I am a reasonably good cook who likes to experiment with recipes.

6.  I love to feel needed & wanted.  It gives me a reason to carry on.

7.  I have a wonderful imagination, which I bring to life in my creativity.

8.  I adore music, animals and nature and appreciate the simple things in life.

9.  I am non-materialistic, but I appreciate the necessary value of money and manage it accordingly. 

10. When I love, I love deeply, completely and wear my heart on my sleeve, but I value everyone’s need for freedom of expression and personal space. 

11. I am mostly polite and respectful to people who show me the same courtesy.

12. I am loyal to those who show the same quality for me.

13. I like justice and fairness in everything and for all and dislike inequality and favouritism, but I accept that it is part of human nature. 

14.  I prefer peace to violence and would rather sit down and talk about something civilly than fight and argue.

15. I have a brilliantly crazy sense of humour which can usually cheer anyone up (almost).  It does sometimes get me into trouble too.  ;)

I’m glad I can think of a few more good things than bad. 

Why don’t you think of yours?  Be truthful.  No need to make it public if you don’t want to.

If you had just one super power…what would it be?

Mine would be the ability to turn back time.  They do say “hindsight is a great thing” and “If only we knew then what we know now”.  These are all true and therefore if we could turn back time, we could repair the things which have caused us the most grief. 

I’d go back with a video camera, but I’d be invisible to my younger self.  I think if I were to actually change the course of events, it would damage the future in some way.  So I’d go back, take lots of video of crucial turning points in my life.  I would be then able to show those concerned exactly what happened - the truth - so they would no longer believe damaging lies. Then again, if I went back a bit further I’d just not meet the people who caused the problems!

Perhaps another thing I would like to do, is not so much a super-power, but something we all could do with knowing a bit more about.  Depression.  So many wrong assumptions are made about depression.  There are several different kinds not just one.  I won’t go into the medical explanations of it all, as these can be easily found online if your interested. 

What really annoys me is people who jump to the conclusion that ‘people who have depression can bring themselves out of it any time’.  Now, that makes me want to commit GBH on those very ignorant people.  I’m not a violent person, but that makes my blood boil.  I know many people who have suffered from depression in various forms and degrees - medicated and unmedicated - and it’s not a thing that is easy to come out of.  It can take years to recover from, if indeed ever.  Many have died while suffering with this illness and YES, it IS and illness, a mental illness.  If it was that easy to snap out of, don’t you think they would have done so and not taken their own lives?  So all I have to say to the people who dwell in the bliss of ignorance - get educated before you jump to your conclusions.  You are missing out on many great people, who unfortunately suffer from this illness, by your biased, small-minded views.  Depression is NOT a form of ‘madness’.  Do not confuse the two. 

THINK BEFORE you condemn!

http://www.depressionalliance.org

I recommend and suggest - as a therapeutic help to retain our sanity - everyone to keep a ‘private’ blog for their eyes only.

In that blog, tell the complete truth as it’s pretty pointless lying to yourself.  If you want to have a full on rant, go right ahead.  No one will berate you for it, or tell you to ‘lighten up’ or give all the usual advice they ‘think’ helps…as well meaning as it may be.  Write about how YOU feel.  Be as selfish as you want and YES, feel sorry for yourself…kick and scream…get it out!  It’s ONLY for you!  Rant about people’s behaviour, say what you think of them at that moment, as you are hurting no one. 

Okay, so what’s the difference about just thinking these things and writing them down?  Well, in my experience, I find it’s best to write them down or type them on a screen, as you can then go back over every word however many times you would like.  You can go back at a later date and re-live how you felt, good or bad.  You can learn more adequately and precisely the life lessons you need to.  You learn more about yourself too and how to cope with your feelings.  I also find this useful when I’m trying to make a difficult decision.  I think about what is the problem, then I write down how I would advise someone else in the same predicament.  Emotional detachment.  I’m effectively solving my own problem easily, without all the emotional ‘ifs and buts’.  

How would you start to do this and how would you keep it safe from prying eyes?  I suggest a couple of ways of doing this.  The first option is by keeping a personal diary in any notebook.  The pros of this is that you can add to it wherever you are without the need to be online or have any kind of electrical device for online connection.  The cons is that it’s easily discovered by anyone who wants to be nosey and read it.  It could therefore cause more problems than it solves.  So security is a big problem with this option. But if you can adequately hide it - perhaps in a locked box - this may be the option for you.

The second option is an online blog on any site such as ‘tumblr’ or similar.  There are plenty around for you to choose which suits your needs best.  Make sure your privacy settings are set to the maximum and it’s not going to publish each of your very personal posts, to any social media site.  *cringe*  Most of these blog sites are password protected, so make sure you have a difficult to guess password which you keep to yourself.  Passwords are most secure when you use a jumble of letters and numbers.  Please remember to keep your password safe and if you must write it down, disguise it as something else that only you will be able to know what it truly means.  Use a unique password for this personal blog.  I find this the best option for me.  The only cons I can find with this one, is that you can’t add to it just anywhere unless connected to the internet.  A very clever and determined hacker may be able to get into it, but I doubt anyone’s personal rantings would be of interest to them.  As a general rule of thumb, don’t use any personally identifiable information online.  Lastly you may forget/lose your password.  There are usually password retrieval options on each blog site should that happen.

So…what will you get off your mind now you have the chance?  Go for it and be happier.  Good luck!